That Sinking Feeling....

I let go and both me and my heart sank. “I’m going down”, I sputtered, water in my mouth and fear in my heart. My feet desperately tried to find the bottom to stand on, though my brain said it was stupid to do that in deep sea. I floundered and tried to reach for the ladder, when I heard him say “hold my hand”. I looked in the direction of the voice. Our eyes met.

This was during a trip to Redang Island in Malaysia with friends. The trip involved a lot of snorkeling. And my relationship with water has always been uneasy. My experiences with seemingly innocent rounds of boating have become unintentionally adventurous in the past- precariously balanced narrow boats which rocked with every move, boats with a slow leak where we had to constantly bail out water. Add to this my penchant for watching ship wreck movies in my teens, water was just plain dangerous to me. Yet, given that I didn’t know to swim and the concept of life jackets was nonexistent in boating, I thought my fear was sensible.

By the time I went for this trip, I could swim a few feet or as long as I could hold my breath. With the assurance of a life-jacket, I was reasonably confident of snorkeling and was looking forward to it.

We were going from the Resort Redang Kalong to the spot where we would snorkel by a boat. The water was mesmerizing- its shades changed from a pale blue to a brilliant and warm turquoise to a menacing dark blue. The boat ride was pleasant with the wind, the waves and the wake creating a brilliant splash of white on blue.

I steadily ignored the sinking feeling that was slowly filling me up, the way it does at the prospect of something unpleasant. But soon, all shame aside, I felt ready to throw a tantrum like a child who doesn’t want to go to school.

“I am used to standing in the pool, and then starting to swim”, I blurted out to BN, my friend.

“Don’t worry, with the life jacket you can be afloat vertically by doing nothing- it will be just like standing!” assured BN, who had done this before.

Once we reached the spot, I donned my lifejacket and the Snorkel*. After a lot of trial and error, I decided to wear it without spectacles and put the tube in my mouth. The rubber made me nauseous. I tried it a couple of times and looked at BN with a stricken face.

“Cmon..try it again.. if you can’t get used to it, the entire trip is a waste for you”, said BN.

Talk about pressure. “It’s just strawberries”, I told myself nervously, forgetting I don’t even like them. Nauseous again. “Lindt Lindor.” Better. There wasn’t much left to do except get into the water.

I stared from the top of the ladder into the sea, and slid into it when I could postpone it no more. The taste of the tube was hardly the problem now. “Almost standing” on water definitely didn’t work- I sank mouth deep and had water in my lungs. That wasn’t floating! I beat my hands around in panic- that’s when my eyes met him. Or I assume so. With a blurred vision and a fogged mask I couldn’t see much. I held his arm, and leapt back onto the ladder.

“No, Come into water, hold my hand, I take you around”, he said. It was one of the ship’s friendly lifeguards, Anwar. He was a natural in the water, and helping many people like me. Since I didn’t go all the way there to sit in the ship, I agreed.

So I held onto his arms, kicked and put my head inside the water. It’s a whole world by itself down there! Beautiful, yet bizarre. The scenery changed from a bed of corals, to an empty patch with corals on two sides making it seem like a valley. The depth was very apparent here, my grip tightened and kicking speed increased. I bravely fought the urge to tell Anwar to take me back to the boat. Or perhaps I preferred not knowing exactly how far I was from the boat! I continued. In some places the coral was so close that I could have touched it.

Soon Anwar brought me back. My friends were still out in the water, while I was sitting on the ship reflecting on my experiences. I was dismayed as I realized swimming hadn’t helped and I still feared. I guess I should have known- it took ages for me to leave the edge of a swimming pool.

But that day, I understood why ignorance is bliss. I could try to be excited when I didn’t know how Snorkeling would feel. Now I could only dread the upcoming trips. The unpleasant feeling started filling me up while playing carrom, as I kept thinking, “I have to get up early tomorrow and volunteer to feel tortured. How did I get into this?”

But the next two trips were better. I didn’t sink as much once I tightened the life jacket. Anwar was helpful- he called me his underwater girlfriend! I made the next day morning trip with him again. My fear was slightly less and I enjoyed watching the rich corals and lively fishes that jumped to eat pieces of bread thrown for them. I even tried to venture into the water on my own, but the waves pushed me back near the ladder and I ended up clinging to it like a crab (As my friend MI put it!)

The third trip I made with BN’s help. This was a marine park and we had to swim from the beach to deeper waters. The fishes here were exquisite. We ventured into deeper waters, and struggled while returning to the shore due to the current which was against us. It was scary, to see how much energy went into going an excruciatingly small distance. But we finally made it to the shore, and it seemed like quite an achievement to me. From not stepping down from the boat to swimming against the current- a giant step!

Did I have illusions that these experiences had made me bold and fearless in water? Definitely not, and a trip to Langkawi proved it. But the trips made me realize my aqua phobia, and also showed that sheer terror can be contained. It also led to my new mantra of "fear is fun", which can be applied in other aspects of life too. The thrill of overcoming fear can sometimes be more exciting than the actual activity.  I hope this realization stays with me. 

Meanwhile I dream that maybe.. just maybe someday I can overcome the fear enough to be able to scuba dive. Or atleast snorkel without help.

I live in hope!

The first step!

*Snorkel: For the uninitiated, Snorkel is a mask-like thing to wear on the face. It covers the eyes like goggles and covers the nose. There is a tube attached to it- one end is held in the mouth and the other end remains in the air. It enables one to breathe while keeping head inside water to observe the marine life